Deliberate Action

"Cracked Ice", a tea screen painting by Maruyama Okyo (Japan, c. 1750-1799).

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.”

 – Socrates

A coping mechanism I had developed a few years ago, in the aftermath of my divorce, is a principle I call “Deliberate Action”. It is easy to feel overwhelmed when there’s so much on one’s plate.  Deliberate Action is a powerful strategy to make sure the important things get done, by focusing only on those important things.

It works by deciding, each day, what is the most important thing you want to do that day, then making sure you do that, even if that’s the only real accomplishment you end up making that entire day. In a world where we are bombarded with distractions, and are expected to keep busy all the time, doing only one thing a day may seem lazy and irresponsible. Yet think of how much can be accomplished if you did one important thing a day, each day, for a year, instead of spending time hopping around between tasks, many of which aren’t really important anyway, and leaving everything unfinished.

Deliberate Action is minimalistic, in line with the “Less Is More” principle and "Letting Go". Purging to-do-lists is as important as purging old clothes one no longer wears. Instead of trying to do everything, but ending up wondering where to begin, I keep the list of tasks I agree to small, but do them. That's how I advance towards my goals.

Deliberate Action does not defy planning. In fact, goal-setting and planning are essential for making it work at all. Selecting an appropriate daily task cannot proceed without comprehensive and clearly-articulated goals. Deliberate Action is therefore mindful action. Driven on autopilot instead, much of our time is wasted on the unimportant. Instead, deliberate action works magically: with less effort, we can do more. This is what the Taoists refer to as “non-action” or “effortless action.”

It is much like Chinese and Japanese brush painting, where the white space is held as important as the brushstrokes, often with the white space intertwining with the subject like a yin-yang symbol. The white background only serves to bring out and enhance the importance of the painting’s subject. By removing the clutter, we can more easily find what we want.

Happiness Is a Choice

The title is an affirmation I coined a few years ago while I was going through my divorce. It was a difficult time in my life. I had much to regret and bewail, so I needed to remind myself to look around me and enjoy the little joys that were there. 

In the intervening years, I had managed to find a meaningful relationship that sustained and nurtured me. It was long-distance, but the distance shrank by our sheer determination to love each other. I count those years as the happiest in my life.

A few months ago, shy of our sixth year together, it ended. The devastation and grief seemed unendurable.

Suddenly, weeks after the final breakup, I caught myself laughing, loudly, while reading a funny book. I realized that was the first time I had laughed in over a month. “What’s wrong with me?” I asked. The daily bouts of crying were inevitable, but I needed to re-orient myself to the future. 

Perhaps the week-long spell of sunshine played a part, but I found I was actually starting to enjoy my single life. The long-distance aspect had meant constant travelling, every two weeks, taking away all my free weekends. Between my daughter and my girlfriend, I had no time for friends or a social life. I couldn’t even contemplate a long bike ride except on special occasions like Mother’s Day. So now, I have more free time to see my friends, read books, go out, and do whatever I want.

More importantly, I can look back to a time in between my divorce and the beginning of that long-distance relationship. I was alone, and I was happy still. I don’t need anyone else to be happy. For me, loving her was always a choice, not a need. I wanted to spend time with her because I enjoyed spending time with her. Every booking of a new trip to meet each other was a renewal of that choice.

I certainly don’t need her. My world isn’t going to end because she left. Though I miss her, her absence doesn’t stop me from enjoying the beauty of nature on my daily walk, from eating healthy and exercising, or from cooking a fancy meal for myself.

The last five years were the happiest time in my life, true, but that doesn’t preclude that what’s to come can be happier still.

“It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of someone else’s life with perfection”
    – The Bhagavad Gita (quoted by Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray Love)