Happiness Is a Choice

The title is an affirmation I coined a few years ago while I was going through my divorce. It was a difficult time in my life. I had much to regret and bewail, so I needed to remind myself to look around me and enjoy the little joys that were there. 

In the intervening years, I had managed to find a meaningful relationship that sustained and nurtured me. It was long-distance, but the distance shrank by our sheer determination to love each other. I count those years as the happiest in my life.

A few months ago, shy of our sixth year together, it ended. The devastation and grief seemed unendurable.

Suddenly, weeks after the final breakup, I caught myself laughing, loudly, while reading a funny book. I realized that was the first time I had laughed in over a month. “What’s wrong with me?” I asked. The daily bouts of crying were inevitable, but I needed to re-orient myself to the future. 

Perhaps the week-long spell of sunshine played a part, but I found I was actually starting to enjoy my single life. The long-distance aspect had meant constant travelling, every two weeks, taking away all my free weekends. Between my daughter and my girlfriend, I had no time for friends or a social life. I couldn’t even contemplate a long bike ride except on special occasions like Mother’s Day. So now, I have more free time to see my friends, read books, go out, and do whatever I want.

More importantly, I can look back to a time in between my divorce and the beginning of that long-distance relationship. I was alone, and I was happy still. I don’t need anyone else to be happy. For me, loving her was always a choice, not a need. I wanted to spend time with her because I enjoyed spending time with her. Every booking of a new trip to meet each other was a renewal of that choice.

I certainly don’t need her. My world isn’t going to end because she left. Though I miss her, her absence doesn’t stop me from enjoying the beauty of nature on my daily walk, from eating healthy and exercising, or from cooking a fancy meal for myself.

The last five years were the happiest time in my life, true, but that doesn’t preclude that what’s to come can be happier still.

“It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of someone else’s life with perfection”
    – The Bhagavad Gita (quoted by Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray Love)

REMEMBRANCE (a 15-Word Story)

So used to missing you,

Had no idea I could miss you this much more.

Running From My Own Shadow

There's a parable by the Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi about the man running from his own shadow. He spends all day running around, but can never truly get away. If only he sat still and rested in the shade ...

Similarly, most of my life I have been struggling to change and adapt to carry out roles that others expected for me: a good student, a good professional, a manager, an educator. As history has demonstrated, I capable and indeed excel in these roles. Yet, if I am unhappy because I 'm not being myself, then what's the point?

The challenge of life is to find a role that fits me, not change myself to fit roles others invented.

So far, I have been running away from myself.

Accept Imperfection

The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that the total entropy in the universe can never decrease. In other words, the universe tends towards ever greater disorder. This is a physical law that has a proven mathematically basis: there are far many more disordered than ordered states, so on average, a change to a system has a higher probability of resulting in a more disordered state.

Often I can see that in my daily life. Housework never seems to end. Cooking creates a pile of dishes. By the time one dusts, vacuums, and attacks a pile of laundry, there's a new pile of dishes. You cannot get the whole house looking perfect at the same time, and it takes a lot of work to keep it organized.

The key to dealing with this is to understand that the chances of everything being perfectly like I want it is practically ZERO.  There are many directions in which things can go wrong from that perfect state. At any given time, then, something (or more than one thing) will likely be wrong. It is mathematically guaranteed. Therefore, it makes sense to accept that fact and stop expecting perfection. If we wait until all conditions are perfect to do something, it will never get done.

Similarly, if we can't be happy until everything is perfect, we'll never be happy. If we don't rest until everything is perfect, we'll never rest. This simple bit of common sense is lost on a lot of people.

More importantly, we need to accept imperfections in ourselves, as well as in other people.  In fact, we can do better to recognize and accept those imperfections, rather than live in denial and have our plans constantly foiled by them. If we expect perfection, we are sure to end up feeling disappointed, upset, and worried.